Rarely in this life do we come across something that is all good or all bad. Almost all things have an element of both.
For example, winning the lottery. It would seem to be one of those “all good” things, right? But suddenly plunging into the lifestyles of the rich and famous has its downfalls (me saying this isn’t based on experience, sadly). Really, though, we hear about it all the time. Wealthy people have problems that are directly tied to having so much money. Taxes, for one. But what about friends? If you’re rich, how do you know that a new friend likes you just for you (and not for what you can buy)? And the emptiness… So many believe that wealth will solve all their problems, only to discover that there’s still a gaping void.
Lately, I’ve been feeling pretty frustrated with myself. My self-talk is filled with “bad.”
The house is a disorganized mess; you’re a bad housekeeper.
The fridge and cupboards are full of junky convenience foods; you’re a bad cook.
Too chubby to fit into your clothes; bad health…bad example.
Too bitchy (pardon the language, but there’s no other word that adequately describes it) with your husband; bad wife.
Too lazy to get the kids out of the house; bad mom.
Too this, too that, too bad.
I actually contemplated writing a post entitled “Top 10 Things I Hate About Myself Lately.” But I realized that would be a huge downer to read. I also acknowledge that the surface issues are seldom the real issue. So I asked God what’s at the root of all my bad self-talk. Before I even finished asking the question, two words came to mind:
Emotional
and
Perfectionist
And before I could begin to berate myself for those two characteristics, God reminded me that even my shortcomings were designed by His hands, for His purposes. And I knew I had to write down all the thoughts pouring into my brain so that I could revisit them later.
1. Emotional.
This is one word that’s been used to describe me since I was a kid. Over time, my mind has morphed the single, descriptive word “emotional” into something wholly negative. Overly-emotional. Reactionary. Cry-baby. Too sensitive. Touchy. Weak. Irrational.
I’ve blamed being emotional for many things, from crying at movies to completely misinterpreting someone’s words and wallowing in hurt feelings.
Seldom have I credited my emotional nature for anything good in my life.
What emotional really means is having “intense feelings” that are “easily excited” and “openly displayed.”
As a writer and speaker, one of the greatest compliments I receive is when people tell me that they see me as “real.” Never have I been told that people are inspired by my picture-perfect life. More times than I can count, though, I’ve been told that they’re encouraged by my real, messy, flawed, emotional, openly displayed life.
Could I be “real” and unemotional? Could I be calm, level, and unreactionary and truly share my life and heart with other women? If nothing mattered to me with intensity, would I even want to write or speak?
The very thing that makes me too sensitive when it comes to those I love also makes me sensitive enough to share my words and feelings with total strangers.
2. Perfectionist.
Another description I’m sure can be traced back to my childhood. I see a girl who would try something new and quit if she couldn’t get it right, right away. Or sometimes she wouldn’t even bother to try, knowing that she wasn’t going to be the best (so why bother?). I remember a girl who liked rules and structure and being in charge. And a teen who led the rebellion against said rules when it became evident she couldn’t follow them to a tee. Decision-making was and is a slow and painful process, thus ensuring no mistakes are made.
As a perfectionist, it’s hard not to expect the same level of dedication from those around you. (My poor children!!!)
But if you need something done to perfection, something involving many fine details, you want it done by a perfectionist.
If you need something edited or reviewed for errors, ask a perfectionist.
If you are looking for someone who will pour their very being into the task at hand – whether it be speaking at a women’s retreat, researching the best ______ to buy, creating a list/spreadsheet, building a ministry or business - you need a perfectionist.
To strive for excellence isn’t wrong or bad. But it isn’t good for excellence to become an obsession, or to be frozen and unable to move forward if perfection can’t be attained.
If you’re at a place where you’re feeling “all bad,” I’d encourage you to try this exercise:
- Make a list of a handful of those bad things
- Ask God to show you what characteristics lie below the surface
- Write out the good in you that comes from those same characteristics
Where do we go from there? you ask.
I don’t know. I’m still absorbing what’s good about my bad. Later, I’ll ask God to lead me in a next step.
For now, it’s enough to know that God doesn’t think I’m bad at all. He made me, including my emotional heart and perfectionist brain, and He calls me good.
And sister – He made you and declared you good, too!
So God created mankind in his own image,
in the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them.
God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.
~ Genesis 1:27, 31a
