For some time, I’ve felt a lack in my life.
Lack of joy, lack of peace, lack of growth, lack of a sense of the presence of God. I’m lacking something. Everything’s just…lacking.
In those rare quiet moments where my heart is focussed, I ask God to bring me back – close to Him. Though I’ve struggled with getting up early for months now, about once or twice per week I find myself in the wee hours of the morning reading the Word. And I beg God to reveal Himself to me through it. When I truly stop to listen, I still hear Him speaking.
And yet it’s still lacking.
I can’t seem to get myself to “that place.” You know the one – the place where I hear His voice continually, feel His presence at all times, desire to rise early for time with Him, can’t wait to get to church on Sundays and fellowship with our small group on Wednesdays. For reasons I don’t fully understand, that place is out of reach.
And oh, am I weary. The past several months have taken an emotional toll on me. At least once a week I wonder if I should be increasing my anti-depressant dose, because my reactions are not completely rational. Daily – yes, daily – I ask myself if I should really be out in the workforce. I look at the continual state of disarray our house is in, and I feel that I’m falling down on the job. I leave sick kids home with their Daddy and wrestle with guilt all day because “I should be there!” And if I have to go to one more doctor’s appointment in the near future I may just have a breakdown in the waiting room.
That was a lot of information in one paragraph. Maybe I ought to dissect it a bit…
Let’s start with doctors. Megan (9) currently has a staph infection in her foot. This is her 2nd foot infection in recent weeks, or perhaps the first one never fully cleared up. Abbey (10) has been home from school for seven full school days (sick 10 days now). One issue is in her tummy, and we’re dealing with that and hopeful it should be resolved in the next day or two; the other issue is lethargy, and I don’t know if it’s tied to the tummy or separate. Either way, it’s troubling. Shea (7) was just in for a gastroscope and biopsy to test for Celiac’s Disease. (We’ll know next week.) Braeden (14) has had some hearing loss in his left ear for years, but we’ve just noticed that it seems to be significantly worse. I had a head/chest cold for a good month, but thankfully, it cleared up just shortly after I gave myself a mild case of whiplash (backing into a pole in a parking lot, d’oh). Oh, did I mention our family doctor moved, so we’re currently in limbo as they hire someone new?
On the bright side, Pat and Malakai (5) both remain healthy. Although, Malakai is having a difficult time in Kindergarten – not up-to-speed on knowing his letters and numbers - so he’s got his own issues going on…
Working/mommy guilt issues. I knew they would happen, but since I had little struggle with them for my first year of work, I was caught off-guard when they decided to attack this fall. I miss a sick day with a kiddo, I feel guilty. I miss a special thing at school, I feel guilty. My house is disgusting – guilt. I ask my man to make supper (again) – more guilt. I take time off work for kids’ doctors appointments – guilt, guilt, guilt. And to be completely honest, after 16 months, I’ve begun to discover aspects of the job that really frustrate me. But I do still love the job. And it’s helping us work towards our goal of becoming debt-free. But is it worth it? Is it worth the guilt? Is it worth the frustrations? I dunno. And when I ask God about, I remember that I’m not really hearing Him because I’ve kinda drifted away from where He is.
On the bright side, I have a job I mostly love and the financial cushion I also love. I have an amazing daycare and the very best teachers for my kiddos. And my husband – he rocks!
The emotions. It’s like PMS three weeks of the month, with the fourth week being PMS-P90X version. Need I say more?
It’s hard to keep my perspective on the bright side when my serotonin levels are all whacked out. Maybe it’s just the emotional exhaustion of dealing with all this “stuff.” The stuff of life.
So I sit here this evening, debating what would help more – a glass of wine or going directly to bed. My kids are in the next room watching a movie (which, by the way, they’re not allowed to do on school days EVER, but I told them tonight was “an exception”). And I wonder if maybe all this life stuff that is for some reason overwhelming me isn’t just the answer to my prayers? I asked God to draw me closer, and I sure am feeling desperate for His help – His rest, peace, joy, assurance, comfort, wisdom, and all that.
Interestingly, I felt compelled to write this tonight. I’ve barely been able to write in months; couldn’t bring myself to form thoughts worth putting down before you. A little part of me wondered if the lack of writing was tied into the overall feeling of lacking. Because when I write, I feel God’s presence and hear His voice in ways that I don’t experience doing anything else (not even praying or reading the Bible or worshipping in song). And as I sat here browsing Facebook tonight, I was unable to resist the pull opening my little wordpress page and putting my fingers on the keys.
I don’t write any of this to seek your sympathy for all the life stuff. I don’t write any of this to seek your words of encouragement or cheering up. I don’t write any of this to seek your prayers for this, that, or the other.
I simply write these jumbled words of reality because I am utterly compelled to get them down. I cannot move from my ugly, green office chair until they’ve been poured out from my soul to the page. In writing them, I am hopeful that God will use this mess of words and emotion to sort out my head…Maybe even to help someone else sort out theirs. And in writing them, I am so grateful to again, if only for a few minutes, clearly know that God is right here with me – speaking, listening, loving.
His presence here, right now, reminds me of my favorite promise from the Word:
“When you come looking for me, you’ll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.” – God’s Decree.
“I’ll turn things around for you. I’ll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you” — God’s Decree — “bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it.”
~ Jeremiah 29:13 (Message)
